The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know - Socrates.

The extent of my knowledge and understanding is enclosed by a bubble, from inside my bubble I see on its surface many things that I have yet to understand. As I gain understanding (currently social psychology) the bubble grows. Its surface area grows exponentially, and the more I learn, the more I realize there is much, much, more that I don’t understand.

I am a foster parent caring for adolescent lads. When a lad arrives I accept that their behaviour and their social skills – good, bad, rich, or poor; are contained by their own fragile bubble of their normality.

I try to bring different ideas to the surface of their bubble, gently so as not to burst it. Some ideas they will reach out and bring them into the bubble and many others they will push away. For every idea they push away I will substitute another or bring closer one that’s been rejected, trying to match ideas to current incidents in their life.

It’s possible that they will adopt some of the ideas in later years as they emotionally mature.

As a foster carer I have only two rules to both the lad in my care and myself:-
• Try to the best we can in all our tasks
• Try not to harm anyone – physically or emotionally

You might gather I am not big on rules and boundaries, there are not enough rules to cover all eventualities, and policing them is an unattractive prospect and a bubble bursting risk.

Generally In practice I link issues back to our two rules with emphasis on the choices they made and not the behaviour, this kind of sets up unspoken transitional boundaries that fade away as core beliefs develop. It’s much like toilet training a kitten.

Infrequently I do need to apply sanctions, but usually ask them what sanction should be applied. They invariably ask for ones more austere than I would set, so I negotiate a lesser one, which is seen as more than fair.

Most of our serious talks end up with laughter.

HOW I BECAME A FOSTER CARER
I was the engineering manager at an international fluid technology organisation, the work was both challenging and financially & emotionally rewarding, when one day when I arrived home from work, my wife said, out of the blue, that she wanted us to become foster carers

My initial reaction was shock horror, this is going to change our lives and was not sure it was what I wanted, I could not give a straight ‘no’ and agreed we should find out what was involved, and she gathered all information she could. The next step was to attend a three day pre-training/assessment group session – no commitment needed, so I agreed we should attend

During the three days I realised much of my people management and staff mentoring work was transferable to foster care, and with memories of 20 years as a youth club leader, the idea of fostering grew and grew, and I engaged more and more with the sessions and 15 years ago we became foster carers. I continued working whilst my wife took care of the domestic stuff and I was lent upon to deal with emotional issues.

Two years in sadly, my wife suffered a severe stroke; I took early retirement to look after her, but a year later she passed away. And after a year’s break to come to terms with my new situation I became one of the few single male foster carers in my county.

My wife and I had only one placement, a 13 year old girl, she came to us following numerous placements lasting on average only 3 months, she was with us for two years, and was moved on because we were told that we could no longer provide the feminine care needed. I wrote the following in her leaving card

Just an Old Penny

The fostering people gave me an old penny.
Look after this and you will be richly rewarded.
The penny was battered, bruised, and damaged.
Clearly never cared for, well hardly ever.

I wondered what I would do with this penny,
but I kept it safe, with all my other coins
When counting out my loose change. I’d pause,
penny never counted, but never forgotten

Shopkeepers would see it from time to time,
and often say what are you doing with that?
I’d tell them I‘m keeping it safe,
and they look at me as if I’m mad

The penny once lonely and afraid, hidden in a draw,
felt special amongst these other coins.
with the confidence of being loved,
and handled with care, almost every day.

I have to pass this penny on to someone else.
In truth, I don’t really want to let it go,
but it’s time for new experiences, and joys.
It’s just an old penny, but now a hole in my heart.

Love Derrick